I put you on a pedestal, so you had no choice but to look down on me. Put that on my list of shit to drink about until forgotten. Seven years of spineless, prepubescent longing led to nothing more than four torn lives.

Why do I lie so often?

I spent three years with this girlfriend who just didn't like me. Like he didn't like you, she really didn't like me. I think she saw me as something broken she could fix but when we got a place she saw how broken 'broken' really is.

She tried to change me back to 'sort of broken' (when I had a 4.0) and as much as I hate to say it, only she knows the real me: the selfish, loathsome fool, alive to be depressed, or depressed to be alive. Quite convinced I was as bad as life could get, I was shots with breakfast. Pathetic. Say what you will about her, at least she tried to make it work. It was dead before it began, yet she gave me a second chance.

And a third. And a fourth.

On the fifth I left to be with you (I know that sounds absurd, she kicked me out and moved away to the other side of the Earth). It's not the hope that gets me down, it's the way you watch me hurt. Your promises are empty, yet I cling to every word like a shit idiot.

I don't want to keep being this person. No one should be this weak, especially not me.

You haven't been okay lately, so rest your eyes, empty your mind, and breathe.

I'm the best friend you don't care to miss, the needy, nagging wreck that you can turn off with a switch, the father of the kids who don't exist from the life that you don't want just yet whose names you constantly forget.

Danger.

Like, "yeah that's his middle name, you've been my favorite person since the seventh grade, and I know you're scared as shit but I swear to fuck that I'm gonna stay" which is cute, because I'm here without you anyway.

But that's how your life just goes, You think it's love but you don't know. You can't tell if I'm for real or playing games to fuck you up, so you just treat me like I'm no one?

No. See, then the main attraction was the fact that my life lacked distraction. All my passion was tied up in a promise, and that promise ended roughly when you told him "yes." While I understand you left, I simply can't forget the sinking/burning/throbbing in my chest at the fact that we'd let him come between us yet again. Not that I was any better, fucking her in that apartment like a shit idiot.

I don't want to keep being this person.

You haven't been okay lately. So rest your mind, open your eyes and breathe.