I wanna fuck. Not for love or for sport, but because when I fuck and I walk away it's the only time that I feel control. Now, this doesn't mean I wanna go and sleep with any girl, and these thoughts aren't even anything that I'd say I condone.

No, I'm just sick of being lonely.

That's not to say that I want someone here to hold me, it's that I'm stuck on this concept that out there's my one and only and I miss her like I miss myself when I think of the old me.

16, 17 or so, I don't see the world like I did a few years ago. An optimist, a target that I've always missed like Tom Delonge's first kiss, I need to find myself outside of this.

I matter more than I think that I do. Skywalker, realization that this can't be true: She told me that I killed it, ..."He told me you..."... That it's my fault it felt so empty in that room?

No, I'm sick of always being right.

Sick, like how I knew I wasn't cut out for that life. Sick from all that time I wasted chasing 9-5 and how the 15,000 debt I owe is all that I can think about at night and how the plans I make are stalled because at 17 I told Miss Thorne that I'd be able to support myself with mics, then ditched that plan, stupid, and toured in a van with a band, so dummy, quit and suited up for H.R.M. to get a better job, maybe then she'd love me.

Like I said, I don't endorse misogyny, and promiscuity is simply wrong for me. An oddity that Todd would be in marketing, cracking Kraken before class in college because I wasn't me from the 4.0 to solid Ds.

I called my mom last March to say "I'm dropping out again, but if you'll give me my old room I've got a temporary plan, like maybe for a bit I'll mix some shit for some local Belleville bands" and she told me, "Son, you're great at that, so do that with your life, you understand?"

I couldn't argue with her logic. I moved out on May 12th with all my shit in boxes. I guess that goes to show that nothing is quite as it seems, 'cause right when my life fell apart, I flipped it and I'm living out my dreams.

I won't say "I've done all I can do this time" ever again. Never again, will I say that.